1 post tagged “old age”

So I'm turning 40, and I'm feeling a little angsty. Looming large. of course, is the decision of whether or not to have another baby. But that aside, the angst is not about the number, it's not even about the crepey eyelids or the flabby tummy or the arm fat. It's about the fact that I don't care that I'm turning 40. Don't get me wrong, I'm celebrating. I am going out to dinner with my childhood girlfriends tomorrow night, and for a spa night with my dear friend who moved to Europe and is coming home, and I will have a dinner at my mom's at some point, and M and I are going to Jamaica next month for a long weekend, without the boy. But I have no plans with my husband for the actual day, no plans at all really, except that I will have a babysitter and will go to yoga and get my hair blown out and a manicure and pedicure, and maybe even a little shopping. But we're not going to dinner, or having a party, although M offered. And that's fine by me.

But then I start to wonder. WHY is it fine by me? Do I not think I'm worth a little hoopla on the day I turn forty? Isn't my life thus far something I want to rejoice in at this milestone birthday? Do I not want a romantic night with my husband because I'm tired and I don't really care, or is it because I no longer think I deserve it? None of this really has anything to do with M, any damage done to my self esteem was done long before he came on the scene. But I wonder if I'm depressed. Maybe I just need Spring to fucking get here, already.

And the boy is up every single night, at least once. As a matter of fact, I'm sitting here with my shoulders tensed, waiting for him to call out. And he doesn't want Daddy, no sir. 40 and sleep deprived? Ain't so pretty.